A few weeks ago, I told you that I would be sharing more about what the last year looked like, and where I am headed. I am not doing this for attention, to share my business on social media, for your pity, accolades or opinions. I do it because it is, without a doubt, what I am being called to do. If you have been reading any of the posts lately, the signs in my life have been undeniable and they just keep coming. I am doing it because it is critical to my next steps in life, this level of vulnerability critical to the work that I am doing now, and because my story, all of it, may help you or someone you know in your own journey to becoming everything you were designed to be. This is not easy for me. But what is clear is that not doing it will be harder. If you read the post yesterday, you say the van that parked in front of my house very pointedly asked “What do you have to lose?” and the answer is everything and nothing. And the answer to what do I have to gain is the same. So here goes everything and nothing!
I started to write, and the details came pouring out, despite my efforts to keep them contained. Some of you know my story. Most of you don’t, even the ones who think they do. I believe it is important to give honor to all the parts of our story – the good, the bad and, most especially, the ugly – and that telling our stories does just that. I am happy to share those details with you if you ask. As this page becomes more about my personal healing journey and the work I am doing as I help people heal their own root cause wounds – personal, ancestral and archetypal – you will no doubt hear more.
For now I will say this, my story is one of loss that changed me at the cellular level, of both unintentional hurt and downright abuse at the hands of people who were so hurting themselves that it wasn’t possible for them to know or do better even though they should have, of the neglect of my fundamental rights to grieve, express, want and need or simply just be as a child that led to a belief that the only way to survive in this world and to be loved was to be perfect, prove my worth, give everything I had without asking anything in return, be hyper-vigilant and controlling, and to never, ever, ever let anyone, at any cost, see the real Anita including those closest to me – my dad, my friends, the men in my life, and sadly, my own children. I did these things without knowing I was doing them, and as I got better, I did better, but that inner child, that little girl inside my head, had a really big voice! You guys think I am fucking loud…you have no idea what loud is until you hear her…and chances are most of the time, when you are shushing me that is exactly who you are hearing. You probably have noticed recently, you don’t have to shush me quite as much. Which is good for both of us…because that simple shush, well that used to set of my not good enough, people pleasing, shame spiral like nobody’s business…but also because that means I am healing and that little girl no longer has to scream to be heard. But be prepared, because I have no intention of shushing myself anymore. But I digress.
The other thing all of that people pleasing, hyper-vigilance and need to prove my worth did was trigger a variety of disorders, addictions and isms in me. The problem with a lot of them is that they not only gave me exactly what I craved most – a (albeit false) sense of belonging and of mattering to people, being valued, dare I even say loved, of being “normal” and needed – my isms were often completely and utterly socially acceptable and encouraged even. Things like disordered eating that kept me a perfect weight until it fucked with my health so much it didn’t anymore and a case of workaholism that some of you witnessed firsthand that might be one for the medical books. And it led to a level of disordered drinking that is alcoholic. All of the people pleasing, everyone else before Anita, disordered thinking, addictions and isms led me to repeat behaviors that were inflicted on me as a child. I neglected myself. While it was my emotional needs and needs for safety and security in childhood that were neglected, I upped the ante, covering all the bases – adding spiritual, mental and physical neglect to the list. And I have paid the price for this self-inflicted neglect with autoimmune dis-ease in three varieties (Hashimoto’s Epstein Barr and Fibromyalgia), post-traumatic stress disorder that went undiagnosed and untreated for decades and wreaked havoc on my life and the life of others and a disconnection from my true self, my sacred dream, others and from the Divine
And last year, all of that came to a head, when I was asked to take a leave of absence from the job I had given myself so completely to (this would be the second time in my life the big guy/gal smacked me upside the head related to my career – I didn’t listen last time, I am committed to there not needing to be a third). My health issues, my triggered my PTSD, my endless fight to protect my boundaries, the emotions that came with it all were too much. Needless to say, this was devastating to me. Even writing that now, despite all of the work and healing and growth, brings up the perfectionist’s voice and the shame master wants to take their place in the ring. Thankfully, now I know to talk to them gently, because they are simply that little girl not the big bad monster I thought they were and I honor the feelings, appreciate them showing up and tuck them in to bed since it’s late. My drinking, which had increasingly become unmanageable over the last few years got worse. I had unknowingly been using it to self-medicate and treat depression, anxiety and deal with the undiagnosed PTSD over the years, and had knowingly been using it to address the pain from my health issues (because remember self neglect and workaholism means missed doctors appointments and forgetting to take your medication), connect with others and let down the barriers for fleeting moments. But I had no idea how bad it was. Until, I was at home, by myself with all that pain, and shame, and guilt, and fear and feelings that I couldn’t even name, claim or identify. And finally after decades of me whipping them into submission – my body, mind and spirit apparently held a meeting without the part of me that thought it was in control (hello ego) called in all my guides, angels and the Divine CEO and said enough is enough. And on July 5th of 2017 my life changed. (377 days today). Events that don’t make sense for a variety of reasons, led to my children being at my front door and the truth of all I had been hiding spilled out. And you know what. They loved me through it. And, more importantly, I loved myself through it. I’ve peeled it all back until every dark, ugly space was exposed. And then I peeled back some more. My shit, laid bare. All of it. It wasn’t pretty. But it was beautiful. Because with each layer exposed, and with each piece of my soul that was lost brought back, what started to come together was me. The real me and I hadn’t seen her in so long.
So what does that all mean for today, and why am I choosing to lay myself bare to you all now. Well, it’s a simple reason. Because it’s time. While the last year has been powerful, this healing journey has been underway for a life time, and especially over the last few years. I have searched and learned and excavated. I have worked with brilliant teachers, healers, guides, shamans, energy workers, priests and priestesses of all varieties, doctors, therapists and more. Along with my friends and family who have remained steadfast. All have helped get me here…to a place of healing and health. Of wonder and wellbeing. 2 years ago, I sat in a dear friend’s living room after she had me break plates in a powerful ritual and I looked at her and I said “I am ready, will the real Anita please stand up, please stand up.” We blared Eminem. And I cried. As I am doing now. Because the real Anita is standing up.
What I have learned, is that this path of challenge was chosen, it was ordained so that the work that I am designed to do can be done. So that I can use what I have learned and the gifts that I have been given to help people identify, heal, honor and integrate their wounds and the ancient wounds that have impacted them. To help guide them through the healing process and onto the process of knowing and birthing their sacred dream. And in the midst of it all helping them discover all the fucking yummy, delicious, goodness that this world has to offer as I continue to discover it myself…even if somedays, its one teeny tiny morsel…because this is life after all and shit happens, jobs get lost, hearts get broken, health gets depleted – or if you are lucky like me all three happen in the same week ! There was a time that would have destroyed me as I said, now I look at it and wonder what giant, ooey, gooey, Homer Simpson sized donut of goodness God is going to drop in my lap that so much room is being made right now!
So that’s it. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Know that if in the midst of it all, knowingly or unknowingly I hurt you in anyway, I am sorry. I hope you will forgive me. And if you or someone you know is on your own healing journey and needs support, please do not hesitate to reach out to me.